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Living in Twilight

Oh my god! I feel like I' made party last night! I think I slept not more than 4 hours!
Yesterday I stayed at my parents' house. I visited them in the evening and decided to stay there.
I don't know why. But I don't feel very well since the last days... I feel like... Well, like I couldn't do anything right. That the things go like they want and not like they should!
I definatly need time for myself!
My friend (the mother of my goddaughter) called me yesterday at 1pm. She knew that I don't feel very well and said, that I should come over. She, her sister and the children will have lunch together and I'm invited! I LOVE these kids! So I packed my stuff and drove to her.
It was sooo nice! I swear, when I spend time with this family my world seems to be brighter.
The oldest child is 3 years old. She'll go to the kindergarten in some weeks. She's so cute! Her sister is 2 years old -and a little sunshine. And my goddaughter -she always makes me smile!
It's so fastinating! Childrens love you, don't matter if you're fat, ugly, have a crooked nose or anything else. They are so world-open! They have such an open mind!
I was crawling over the floor, laughing, being detached from all thoughts and problems! That was so liberating!

Then Beth (my friend), my little granddaughter and me went for a walk. We wanted to talk alone. My Cuty was sleeping in her buggy and we went throught the wet streets. It was raining the whole day. And we talked about Ryan. How I felt when I saw him again. About him, when he talked to Beth.

I watch the sun go down, I watch the sun go down
Then I wander around, then I wander around
It's here then it's gone
Love doesn't last too long

And now I know why I felt so bad, when I saw him again...
First of all I think I could manage it. It didn't hurt to much. I thought I could deal with it. The feeling was okay. It was not bad, it was like a signal to go on.
But you know what you're missing right when it's away. And that is what describes this felling very accurately.
Beth told me that Ryan told her that he misses me. He misses my laughing, the way I'm talking, the way I see the world...


You look darkly on the day
With memories to light your way
A little sad but it's all right
We are always living in twilight

No one knocks upon your door
Until you don't care anymore
A little alone but it's all right
We are always living in twilight

Living in a dream, walking in between the sunrise and sunset
Living in a dream, walking in between sunset and sunrise

You get tied up in your day, so I let go and walk away
And now we're loose ends of the night
We are always living in twilight

So it goes, though no one knows you like they used to do
Have a drink the sky is sinking toward a deeper blue
And you're still all right
Step out into twilight

So I stumble home at night
Like I've stumbled through my life
With ghosts and visions in my sight
We are always living in twilight

Try to find my own old way. Try to find myself again...
I'll go on reading "Twilight-Eclipse". There I'm away. Not in this world. That heals my soul in the moment.
It's terrible when everyone knows you as laughing, lovley person -always smiling, always there for the others, always in good-mood, "sunshine"... Sunshine... In the moment I'm a total luna eclipse...
This smiling pretty face is a boone and bane.


Always watch the other side of the coin!
9.7.09 12:31
 
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