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Totally confused

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jH4mI2kURW4

I'm always thinking about the day we recorded this together. He was playing the piano and I was singing. And deep in my mind I was sining for him. Just for him... And he didn't know...

Today I went to my baby-sitting-boy. Only 15min. by walking, but today it felt like eternity. Suddenly I thought about goning by bike -but I felt ashemed in the same moment. I was afraid to blame myself! I didn't had this strong feeling since 6-7 years! That scares me! I'm a fighter -I take the stairs looking straight forward -upstairs! Okay, sometimes you'll have to go back -one or two steps down... but for now I feel like lokking upstairs (I force myself to look straight to the front, to the goal) but I'm going back. Slowly going back by looking forward... I can't help myself...

I stopped and read all my entries. They are very depressing... Hm, that's definatly not me! How can I wirte stuff like that? It's scary! That's totally schizoohrenic... Ah! *sigh* Okay, for now nothing is like I expected it to be... But that's life! That's all about! Things go their way and you don't know which direction they will take... Life isn't a picnic!
I wont deny that I hide myself behind books. They let me dive into another wolrd abd give me that feeling to be anywhere or anyone else.
I think I worked too much the last days and hadn't enough time for myself! How shall I know what comes next? Maybe that it is -
opagueness of future. But why to get used by all these questions? Why to get used by all these fears and doubts? I'm on my way... And this is okay. My life's in God's hands and I'm sure he'd lead me on.
Why should I be sad? Adventures just take a break. Now it's anyone's else turn to fill an exciting chapter of life -but soon it will me mine again...

Life isn't a picnic!

9.7.09 21:49
 
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