Schmetterlinge in weiß






Back home!

Hi !!!

I'm back! Back from one week sunshine, ocean and ice-cream The week at the east-coast was awesome! I really loved it!
We stayed in an appartement next to the sea. It was quite huge! 3 rooms, big entry, great kitchen! My goddaughter was with us. We were 6 people. 2 couples, a friend and me. My friend left on Tuesday - 3 days after we arrived. She'd to work. The weather was great! We had a lot of sunshine. okay, sometimes it started to rain, i mean RAIN -very stormy. But it was nice.
I decided not to think about Ryan or any problems here at home. And it worked
I was lying at my towel right next to the life-guards! Oh, I tell you.... jummy!!! these red pants, the bodies... damn *hihi* loved to take a look on them! That was worth it :P
I swear, in Poland they have the best ice-cream ever! "American Ice-Cream" -that's the name!
I ate fish nearly everyday. Well, we stayed at source
So,my skin is brown and I'm relaxed. But I wished, we could stay longer... I want to go back! Back! Back! Back!

Today it is quite hot in the city! we have high degrees and I long for the beach! the warm sand, the good mood and the endless view. It is so liberating watching over the sea.
Yesterday I visited my parents and went working today...


27.7.09 16:47

........soooooooooooo done !!!!!!!!!!!!!

tomorrow I'll go with some friends to Poland! Finally! My head's full of thoughts and plans. Tell u about it, when I finished it Maybe I'll travel to Australia, to New Zealand, to England, to America... I really don't know!

Thank you all! I won't dissapoint u!!!


17.7.09 23:05

What comes next?


Today I realised, that in one year I'd done the next big step in my life. A next step in my careere as social worker. Yesterday I met a couple I knew since I'm three years old. I haven't seen them for more than 2 years! It was so great to talk to them again. And then the woman started to talked about what I would be in future. What they thought and what it is right now.
Wow, I never imagined that it would be like that! They saw myself as a lawyer, author or actress... I can handle with words, she told me
Wow, and in the evening I lay in my bed and thought about it. Once I'd the possibility to become a musical-artist. But I chose another way... That's alright. I love the way I'm taking! It is the right one...
But in one year there'll be the possibility to take another direction again... Maybe I should try it -just for a while. I'll always be a social worker, but why don't try to be an actress or anything?  Maybe it would be the right time... We will see...
I was arsing around. I think I won't stay in Berlin.
I've so many many ideas! London, Paris, America, Austria... I don't know. We are just living one life! We should do what fullfills us, was makes us happy and you should give your body and soul to become happy! Yes, that's how it should be!
I ever wanted to do something creativ, something that's totally different.
I want to travel, I want to see the world, I want to meet different people, different lifestyles! I will be 23 next year! It is not too late! I can do whatever I want! I should give it a try.
My life is good. My life could be great if I'll go on like now. But what about dreams? What about taking a risk? What speaks against it?
I mean, if somebody had told me a few years ago, I would be a social worker, working with behavioral disordered children and teens, I would be the band-leader of the choir I was singing when I was 17... I would have told the person that he/she is off his/her head! That's how life goes and I think it is time to take it in my hands. Just one year... One year...

Every man is the architect of his own fortune.


13.7.09 21:32

A Lovley Day


"Und wir rannten los. Die Luft brannte in meiner Lunge. 'Lauf, lauf, lauf' , schrie es immer wieder in meinem Kopf. Die nassen Grashalme schlugen an meine Beine und der weiche Boden schien mir das Rennen erschweren zu wollen. Und pötzlich packte Theo mich an der Hüfte. Jetzt spürte ich nur noch den kalten Wind, der mir ins Gesicht schlug. Ich hatte vergessen, dass er fliegen konnte..."

I'm going on. Writing my novel. It's a children or teen -well a kind of fairy tale... But I'm sorry, it is in German I can't find the right creativ words in English. Therefor my English is too bad... I'm no narrativ speaker...

Today was such a great day! The sun was shining and I spent a lot of time at my sister's flat. I enjoy every second I can be with her!
I had time to relax, time to come down, time to enjoy myself, time to enjoy the sunshine!
I'm feeling great!
Tomorrow I'll meet my parents again AND it is weekend! Gosh, I'm so happy about it!

Sometimes you have to pay attention of the "small" things in life. The cashier's smile, the smell of your coffee, the warm sun...
Oh I'm very stagy But that is what makes me happy! Try it!

Keep your eyes to the small kinds in life!

10.7.09 22:24

Totally confused

I'm always thinking about the day we recorded this together. He was playing the piano and I was singing. And deep in my mind I was sining for him. Just for him... And he didn't know...

Today I went to my baby-sitting-boy. Only 15min. by walking, but today it felt like eternity. Suddenly I thought about goning by bike -but I felt ashemed in the same moment. I was afraid to blame myself! I didn't had this strong feeling since 6-7 years! That scares me! I'm a fighter -I take the stairs looking straight forward -upstairs! Okay, sometimes you'll have to go back -one or two steps down... but for now I feel like lokking upstairs (I force myself to look straight to the front, to the goal) but I'm going back. Slowly going back by looking forward... I can't help myself...

I stopped and read all my entries. They are very depressing... Hm, that's definatly not me! How can I wirte stuff like that? It's scary! That's totally schizoohrenic... Ah! *sigh* Okay, for now nothing is like I expected it to be... But that's life! That's all about! Things go their way and you don't know which direction they will take... Life isn't a picnic!
I wont deny that I hide myself behind books. They let me dive into another wolrd abd give me that feeling to be anywhere or anyone else.
I think I worked too much the last days and hadn't enough time for myself! How shall I know what comes next? Maybe that it is -
opagueness of future. But why to get used by all these questions? Why to get used by all these fears and doubts? I'm on my way... And this is okay. My life's in God's hands and I'm sure he'd lead me on.
Why should I be sad? Adventures just take a break. Now it's anyone's else turn to fill an exciting chapter of life -but soon it will me mine again...

Life isn't a picnic!

9.7.09 21:49

Living in Twilight

Oh my god! I feel like I' made party last night! I think I slept not more than 4 hours!
Yesterday I stayed at my parents' house. I visited them in the evening and decided to stay there.
I don't know why. But I don't feel very well since the last days... I feel like... Well, like I couldn't do anything right. That the things go like they want and not like they should!
I definatly need time for myself!
My friend (the mother of my goddaughter) called me yesterday at 1pm. She knew that I don't feel very well and said, that I should come over. She, her sister and the children will have lunch together and I'm invited! I LOVE these kids! So I packed my stuff and drove to her.
It was sooo nice! I swear, when I spend time with this family my world seems to be brighter.
The oldest child is 3 years old. She'll go to the kindergarten in some weeks. She's so cute! Her sister is 2 years old -and a little sunshine. And my goddaughter -she always makes me smile!
It's so fastinating! Childrens love you, don't matter if you're fat, ugly, have a crooked nose or anything else. They are so world-open! They have such an open mind!
I was crawling over the floor, laughing, being detached from all thoughts and problems! That was so liberating!

Then Beth (my friend), my little granddaughter and me went for a walk. We wanted to talk alone. My Cuty was sleeping in her buggy and we went throught the wet streets. It was raining the whole day. And we talked about Ryan. How I felt when I saw him again. About him, when he talked to Beth.

I watch the sun go down, I watch the sun go down
Then I wander around, then I wander around
It's here then it's gone
Love doesn't last too long

And now I know why I felt so bad, when I saw him again...
First of all I think I could manage it. It didn't hurt to much. I thought I could deal with it. The feeling was okay. It was not bad, it was like a signal to go on.
But you know what you're missing right when it's away. And that is what describes this felling very accurately.
Beth told me that Ryan told her that he misses me. He misses my laughing, the way I'm talking, the way I see the world...

You look darkly on the day
With memories to light your way
A little sad but it's all right
We are always living in twilight

No one knocks upon your door
Until you don't care anymore
A little alone but it's all right
We are always living in twilight

Living in a dream, walking in between the sunrise and sunset
Living in a dream, walking in between sunset and sunrise

You get tied up in your day, so I let go and walk away
And now we're loose ends of the night
We are always living in twilight

So it goes, though no one knows you like they used to do
Have a drink the sky is sinking toward a deeper blue
And you're still all right
Step out into twilight

So I stumble home at night
Like I've stumbled through my life
With ghosts and visions in my sight
We are always living in twilight

Try to find my own old way. Try to find myself again...
I'll go on reading "Twilight-Eclipse". There I'm away. Not in this world. That heals my soul in the moment.
It's terrible when everyone knows you as laughing, lovley person -always smiling, always there for the others, always in good-mood, "sunshine"... Sunshine... In the moment I'm a total luna eclipse...
This smiling pretty face is a boone and bane.

Always watch the other side of the coin!
9.7.09 12:31

New Objektives And Legacy


I'm valedictorian, so i had to go university-meeting today. Three students will fail the year and I'm not allowed to tell anybody anything... I hate this! I'm the secret carrier. What irony! This morning my course and I met in the Schlosspark to hang around, talk about the last year and the coming skilled work. We decided to play a game. Two students have to hide anywhere in a spatially limited area -the secret carriers. Both of them had to hide a thing, which they have to give to the group who'd find them first. Guess who was the secret carrier??? Right -me!
We had 15minutes to hide.
The grass and flowers were so high, that I decided to sit down anywhere between it. There was this little place between violet flowers. I was runing through it until I sat down and waited. The gras was head and shoulders above me! You couldn't see nothing from far away. And so I was sitting there. Listening the the bees, observed spiders and listen to the sound the gras made when the wind blowed.
Nobody found me. So I had much time to think about the last days, the last weeks, the things which has happend with Ryan. Normally I always find a reason for things that make me sad or contemplative. But for now... there's nothing...

In the evening I went to rehearsal. We talked about our future. Where will we go? What are our goals? How it should go on? It was nice! My goddaughter was there, too! Everyone brought something with him/her... water melone, snacks, wine, water, sandwiches... It was really nice. It was cloudy but quite warm. But the whole time I felt like I wasn't really there. I saked my friend something and had to ask again for the question because I couldn't consentrate... Strange... I'm not myself in the moment.
A few of us (me included) went to have an ice-cream after the rehearsal. So we went through Schmargendorf to this indescribable café where they sell the best ice-cream ever! We laught, talked and I found myself again. But THEN two men on bikes came across the street towards to our group. It was Ryan with his brother... And he watched the same way to me, like he did on Saturday... And my world's upside down again!

You're your life's author.

6.7.09 23:55

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