Schmetterlinge in weiß






6.7.09 17:18

Inner Bound

11 hours work! But the teens and children are quite cool at the moment. It is a very colourful and funny group! When I think about the last three month, this group is very... friendly and respectful! I already worked with other types of children!

Topic of the day is inner bound -I hope it is the right word for what I mean.

I think you can't do this job without inner bound. You'd take everything to serious and personal.

The children which I'm working with had a terrible past. Most of them are marked for life.

In the moment there is this boy. 13 years old. I really like him. He's calm, polite and friendly. That's very rare. Most of the children are aggressiv, have no distance and are hard to handle. But you should understand it. They were taken out of their families by the youth welfare office, they don't to be there. Most of the parents abused them, physically and mentally... But they don't know that it might be different. Family is always family. And parents are always their parents. They love them in every singel way.
And this boy came out of his family because his mother battered him in a very bad way -not just once. And when I look at him, I feel sad. Yes, really sad. I'm doning this job for nearly 3 years. This work with this children. But I never felt so touched like I feel now. And there were different and other very hard stories... I don't know.
I think that would be my new challenge. To find my inner bound torward this boy.

It was a nice day here in Berlin! The sun was shining it was warm and we went out with the whole group to have some ice-cream! It was so cute! There are these three girls around 11. They told me they'll prepare a show for us! And after we'd dinner it was showtime! The girls danced and sang for us! It was soooooo cute! That's why I love this work and that's why I respect every singel child! Imagine, your most loved persons don't want you anymore or you lost your home... But in this children's eyes is so much more positiv! And a day like today always touches my heart!
During this hard time they find a way to forget everything and to make others happy! I respect them and during this short time in this clearing house I try to show them that they're valuable and lovable.

Life is a gift!

5.7.09 23:41

Sunny Raining Day

I'm right back from the christening of my goddaughter. Happy to have her! God, save her!
It was quite warm. I put on my new white shirt and jeans. I knew he qould come and it was cool -until the moment I saw him and we said "hi" to each other.
My friend did this game: "Made her lucky" and I went to the front (from all people) and pulled out the card: "For opening the buffet - do a thanksgiving prayer"
That was alright but as I saw him -watching right to me, my heart started beating and I felt like my knees get weak.
I didn't know that it would touch me that way.
After the Mass we went to the back-garden where I did the prayer. We talked a lot and I could watch in his direction. My heart feels so bad!
After three hours I had to go, because I felt so terrible... Why this should happen to me? Why should I fall in love with someone who doesn't want me?
"You're so attractiv, so cute... But it's not possible in the moment for me..."
You're wasting your breath!
And I was so sure about it! I was so sure that he could be right for me.
My heart hurts...
I hate it to be such depressed and sad! That's not me!

My hand searches for your hand
In a dark room
I can't find you
Help me
Are you looking for me?

Can I feel anymore?
Lie to me, I'm fading
I can't drop you
Tell me, I don't need you

I was invitated to a birthday of my best friend's fiancé. I couldn't go there. I can't. And I thought I would be strong enough... Strong enough to say goodbye to all these feelings, to everything that touches me, when I see him.

Etch this into my brain for me
Tell me, how it's supposed to be
Where everything will go
And how I'll be without you by my side

Why he's always looking to me in that way? I thought I could stand it. But now I see, I'm weak.

Maybe I'll watch "Twilight" this evening... masochistic... That's how true love should be. Against nature. Against everything that's against you...

Tell me, I don't need you

4.7.09 21:01

never forget


I'd a very touching time in Ravensbrück. Ravensbrück is not far away from Berlin and you can go there by car in circa 1h30. Ravensbrück is sourrounded by wood, fields and little villages. You would never figure that there happened such cruel things one time.
I came a bit late to our meeting-point and got a room for my own. We ate in the small canteen and went over to a little house called "house of reflexion". It was a very warm day. Everytime you moved you felt like your skin was clammy. I think the other had never seen a concentration camp before, because it seemed like they were relaxed and in a good temper. Well, that's okay, but I felt gloomy and was a bit scared of my feelings I would have when we'd visit the camp directly.
Our group was the only one in this two days.
The "house of reflexion" was dark and cold. I was freezing when we went in to watch a movie about the "women of Ravensbrück".
I was sitting in the front row. Everyone was silent when the film began. There were interviews with survivors. Old woman, friendly looking. They started to tell their stories. I won't repeat all of them, because I'm not able to write anything in this mood down, like they transport their feelings and imaginations in the film.
It was more fortune than anything else, that they survived.
They were guinea pigs for infections soldiers got in war, thy should do some terrible work just of victimization... To hear all these stories made me feel terrible. My heart contrected. How people can be so cruel and inhuman?
After the film we went to visit the concentration camp area. The barracks were break down -but the prison is still standig.
I went through the gate and saw a wide blackstoned fields with troughs. I had a lump in my throat. The sun was shining but for me this place radiates an atmosphere of darkness and pain.
As I went through this camp, I felt like my heart stands still.

The prison was small and on the first sight not different than the prisons you know. But the cells were without any light, they were small and it was nothing in it than a toilett. I read some reports of the woman, who'd to stay there. They were not allowed to sleep, sit or talk. It was so cruel to read all this reports. It was... terrible.

I imagne the time I visited the concerntration cap in Auschwitz (Poland). Once I had a concert there -to commemoration day. I sang a REQUIEM in a huge church and lot of former detainees were there. It was a very emotional time.

Rest in Peace - You'll be never forget!

3.7.09 14:45

My Weekend-end


Ahh!!! I could freak out! I try to put some pics on this blog and either they geet soooooooo huge or they are totally warped (I hope this is the right word for it...) *argh*
The conert yesterday was a succes! I was so nervous! It felt like it was my first performance! I don't know why... But everything was fine! Or drummer was a bit... well... Sometimes he didn't know what to do. That was annoying... He smokes very strange things by times... *sigh*
Whatever, after the performance, we had a little party. Ryan wasn't there... But he already told me the day before, that he wouldn't come. It was sooo funny!!! We danced, sang and drunk a lot... I feel so sick today! I'm dizzy and my head hurts! I'm not in training
Today the sun is shining and the weather is awesome! I'll go to my parents today.
It could be, that I'll write again on Wednesday. So enjoy your time!!!

Things change.

28.6.09 12:59

My Neighbours!

I feel sooo done... I couldn't sleep the whole night. Not just because of Ryan... No, not really... More because of the concert today.
It's a gloomy day. The sun hides behind clouds and I have no power to do anything. I'm sitting on my balkony, listening to music and surfing in the internet. Yesterday, before I went to meet Ryan, I met the old woman living two floors up. She's soo cute! She asked me if I got the new keys for our front-door. No I didn't! Ah, I have to go to our property-management and get one. But from Monday until Tuesday I won't be in Berlin. My university course will go to "Ravensbrück" to visit a memorial. So when I should get this keys??? Ah!
The woman is nearly 80 years old and told me, that she's like my "house-mother". I can come to her whenever I like. She's quite funny. This typical Berlin-Woman, strong words, very sarcastic and lovley! Nearly everytime I go out I meet her with her old dog! This dog is really really really old! I think he can't see anything anymore -so he often runs against walls, corners and stuff
I told her, I'll have a date and she was smiling and said: "Oh Darlin' that's great! But pay attention, he should have money! Don't bring me a guy who can't pay for himself!" -She's cute!

One floor upstairs there is living a younger man with his -well I think it is his wife but I'm not sure, because I don't see her very often. We can see each others balkony. And most of the time I'm sitting outside, he's there. His balkony is full of colourful flowers, stuff. It looks quite nice -and my balkony... Well, it is a bit sad All my flowers die... I don't know why. We're always talking about this theme! He trys to give me some advices, but nothing works... When we meet in the staircase -he tells me about his journeys to Asia. He goes there very often. Also my Dad told me a lot about this stuff! And now I'm very curious to travel there one time! Maybe with my father! This would be great! Just the two of us with our backpacks!

Next to me lives a man -I think he's an opera singer. I don't know him well. Sometimes when we meet in the street we say "hello" and talk about the weather. He's bent and his boyfriend is much much older to him. They're smoking some strange things I can smell it everytime I'm sitting on my balkony. He always hangs on the phone and it's talking in English to different kind of people. Sometimes he gets visits from this typical opera-singers. This woman, with huge scarves, coloured eyes and stuff. Like you imagne this woman Then I can hear them singing in the appartement beside mine.

These are the three most important neighbours I know. Once I met another old woman, who's living right upstairs to me. She's also around 80 and told me her story once. She was a popular journalist once, her husband died because of a heart-attac and she started to design dolls-dresses. A few weeks ago she had a exhibition right here around the corner. I couldn't visit it because I had so much to do -like always *sigh*

Well, alright. I'll take a shower now and search for what I could wear today -for the performance... Ah...

For now, I don't have an advice for you
27.6.09 11:37

It's not over

I'm done with all my exams for this semester! I can't believe it! The last days I slept not more than 3 hours per night, I think... Tomorrow is the concert and I am quite excited! I hope everything will be okay.

Today I met Ryan. He called me a few days ago and asked for a meeting. Well, there will be nothing between us... 9 month hoping and wishing are over now... But that's okay. I thought it would be like that -so it is not a shock or something...
We met at 7:30 pm and I came back at 11:30 pm. We went for a walk and talked a lot about our lifes right now, laughed a lot and everthing was like it should be... It's warm today, so I just wore my bluse and jeans. After a while we decided to sit down in a small and nice restaurant to drink something. And then we talked about the important things...
We'll be friends in future.

I should have known this wasn't real
And fought it off and fought to feel
What matters most? Everything
That you feel while listening to every word that I sing.
I promise you I will bring you home
I will bring you home.

It's harder than I thought it would be. Really. But I think it's alright. That's what life is all about... to deal with everything which is given to you...

26.6.09 23:55

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